I stood in line outside Target to wait to go in the store, wearing a mask and gloves. I thought I had selected the curbside delivery, turns out I didn't, I would have to go into the store to grab it from the pick up desk. Only so many people are allowed in the store at ones time. I went in and got our things prebagged, anxious to get back outside. The store, although cleaner than ever felt icky. Everything feels germy and my germaphobe tendacies are in hyperdrive.
Back in the car, I loaded in the groceries. Removed my gloves, threw them in a trash can in my car, sanitized my hands, finally removed the suffocating mask, and took a Clorox wipe to the door handle of the car and my wallet and the outside of my purse. The parking lot is littered with used rubber gloves.
At home, I run on the underused treadmill. Running for ten minutes gives me about an hour of clarity and focus upon which I could work. My brain is full of swirling thoughts but mostly, "Am I doing enough to keep my family safe?" and "How can I make this better for my teens?"
My work as an accountant has exploded as small businesses scramble for loans and stimulus loans to help keep them afloat. I'm worried about them and work hard to get the information they need, simultaneously feeling guilty for ignoring my children or pleading to them to please just leave me alone. AK especially demands my attention often, her life has changed the most. Mr. Boy still has homeschool and Mr. Man has been working from home for more than a year.
I don't feel like I have more time... however we have played more games and watched more family movies than we ever have. Having family dinner together every night is a bonus and I treasure it.
We have a menu of meals to pick from that we have all the ingredients for, because I dread a trip to the grocery store. Everyone gets a vote on Sunday for a meal and I realize I have changed forever how I will grocery shop. I was being wildly inefficient before.
Our life is divided into parts.... the Before... before the schools closed. Before the grocery stores had limited stock. Before when we could see plays.
I fully acknowledge there is a mourning taking place right now... the Present. We mourn the full calendar with Baseball, Ballet, and fun social outings. Dodger and Hamilton tickets that will be unused. I worry a lot, but less today than the first two weeks. I did not sleep the first week and stared at the ceiling feeling inadequate to live through this "unprecedented time". I am not old enough in my mind to be the responsible adult who will help navigate my family through this. The odd cure for my insomnia... is a show called "The Tiger King" where there are not enough t-shirts, limbs, or teeth to go around the characters of this real life show. Here in the present, there is SO much good. People helping people. People and companies sewing face masks. People shopping for other people. CEOs foregoing their salary.
I'm looking forward to the After... I took so much for granted. I don't know what the after looks like, do we wear mask every time we are out? I can't wait to host a party. I can't wait to sit in a restaurant and browse a store. There are things I started now during the present I won't change. Cloth Napkins at dinner will stay, I was saving them for a fancy occasion, but I love using them daily. I won't grocery shop 3 times a week. Once a week or once every two weeks is fine as long as you are organized. There is so much food waste when you don't plan. Clean windows make the house feel better, even though it's a job I loathe it's been a mood booster. We pay a lot of money to live in LA especially with the hills behind us. Hiking behind my house has been my saving grace and I'll continue to do so during the after. I'll see you all again in the after.
