Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Nutty Family Week: Kicked to the curb

It's Nutty Family Week here on my blog where I encourage everyone to share your nutty family story.  As we gather around the table with our families this season, I hope we can all embrace the nuttiness of our families and realize we aren't alone in having to sit next to "Aunt Cray Cray".

I am totally biased, but I'm pretty sure I live in the best neighborhood. We have the best neighbors and we have deer, what more could you want in a community? 

My sweet neighbors, The Neighbor-steins, told me about their best/worst Thanksgiving involving Cousin Betty.   Prior to Thanksgiving Cousin Betty called to ask what she could bring to Thanksgiving dinner and appeared to be a gracious guest.  It was suggested that she bring a corn dish, and it should have been a warning that things were about to go south when she showed up with a snack size can of Corn Niblets as her dish to share.

Over the course of dinner, Cousin Betty succeeded in offending nearly everyone at the table with one of her stories or remarks.  Finally, Mr. Neighbor-stein had enough of her antics  and stood up and boomed, "OUT!"  while pointing to the door.  Cousin Betty made her way out the door with a huff, muttering "Well... I Never!" sprinkled with obscenities under her breath the whole way.   After an awkward silence dinner resumed and without Aunt Betty stirring the pot, everyone relaxed and enjoyed themselves.

Fifteen minutes later there was a meek knock at the door and when the Neighbor-stein's opened up the door, they found Cousin Betty standing there.  She whispered in a small voice, "Can you move your car? You're blocking me in."  

I love this story because I love that big grand gestures were made and yet the wind was taken out of Cousin Betty's sails when she was humbled to find that she couldn't drive off in a huff. 

Nutty Family Week: Top Ten Signs you grew up in a dysfunctional home

Today my very favorite faux sister Mary will be posting today's nutty family tidbit.  Mary and I met years ago and quickly realized we had freakish similar experiences and would think the exact same thing.  We joke that we share the same brain, so if I ever appear to be a bit unintelligent, it's because Mary is using the brain that day.

1. When you mention your mother in passing one day, your five year old laughs in astonishment and says, “You don’t have a mom!”.

2. Your happiest childhood memories are from sibling Pig Out Parties (everyone pools their cash, goes to the store and buys $50 of ice cream, donuts, chips, and  candy.  Then sits in a bedroom and eats until they yearn for death.  Literally, we would it eat ALL in one sitting.).

3. Your mom tells you that God thinks pants that zipper in the front are evil and you are forbidden to wear them.   Only elastic waisted polyester slacks are worthy of the Celestial Kingdom.  You are saddened that your high school-aged sisters will probably go to hell because they wear Levi’s shrink-to-fit jeans.

4. You have one entire wall in your family room filled with nothing but pictures of Jesus.  Probably at least 50 pictures, arranged in chronological order from Bethlehem to the resurrection. Some are trimmed with lace, for some reason.

5. Your favorite memory of your father is when he  rage-crushed a plastic water gun under his bare foot and then limped away while pretending that his foot didn’t hurt real, real bad.

To read the rest of the list visit Mary at Quite Contrary

Monday, November 25, 2013

Nutty Family Week: The Worst Thanksgiving

It's Nutty Family Week here on my blog where I encourage everyone to share your nutty family story.  As we gather around the table with our families this season, I hope we can all embrace the nuttiness of our families and realize we aren't alone in having to sit next to "Aunt Cray Cray".

Today,. it's my turn to tell "The Worst Thanksgiving".

In 2011, my father had been widowed for nine months, and in that short span engaged three times.  He was a man on the prowl with one goal in site, "Find a wife." I was still heavily grieving the loss of my mom and did not welcome the idea that my Dad was dating.
On Thanksgiving of that year we had invited a few friends and family over to join us for Thanksgiving Dinner.  My Dad, age 78, showed up just in time for dinner and was disappointed by the lack of activity on the online dating site that morning.  He was in a bit of a foul mood until we sat down for dinner.   From across the table he spied my long time bestie, LJP who was telling everyone about how she had just completed the local Turkey Trot.

I could see the wheels spinning in my Dad's head as he was asking LJP questions.  He was mentally checking off the things he required in a new spouse.   "She's fit, she's personable, she is already friends with my daughter, no need to worry about her getting along with my kids."

I sat there mortified, how did I get here?  How does this happen?  My father, age 78 was hitting on my friend who was 30 plus years his younger during Thanksgiving! I was mortified.  My father was beaming and piling on the charm.  In between the meal and dessert my dad pulled me into the kitchen, "Wendy, tell me all about your friend LJP." he said with a twinkle in his eye.   I just looked at him and said, "No, gross!!  She is off limits, you can date everyone but my friends."  He looked disappointed and muttered that I was being unreasonable. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to keep my Dad away from LJP with no luck.My friend LJP is no fool, she could tell what was happening.  LJP loves me, but she also loves to watch me squirm.  As she turned to leave she whispered in my ear, "Oh darling daughter, you can call me Mom or Mommy, either one is just fine by me." Then she cackled heartily as she walked out the door.

The good news is that my Dad remarried and it wasn't to one of my best friends.  Now I can invite him to Thanksgiving without worrying who he will hit on next.  

 I want to hear your nutty family stories!  Post in the comments,  those moments when you realized you were related to nutters.  Tell me that I'm not the only one with a nutty family!