Thursday, April 28, 2011

My Mother's Daughter

 It's been 2 1/2 months since my mom passed away, and it's still hard.  I dream about her most nights, sometimes they are lovely dreams of us on the beach, watching the sunset, and she says, "Wendy, you will be okay."  Sometimes, they are terrible nightmares...  we buried her alive on accident, I have cancer and she takes care of me, she drowns and I can't save her, she dies again... the exact same way.  It's awful and I wake up in a panic.  How long will I have these nightmares?

My dad is grieving, and while it's a relief to see my soldier father grieve instead of bottling it up, it is so hard.  I can't fix this, I can't help him, I can't take the pain away.  He has to go through his own process, just like I have to grieve.  This whole experience from the time of diagnosis until now has been one excercise of learning that you just have no control, no power...  and I hate it.  Do you ever really stop grieving?  

I'm 34, my dad is 77, I have no idea how to help him, and I feel like this is the injustice that cancer imposed on me.  I feel way too young to be dealing with serious life issues like this. My mom was ten years younger than my dad, she was supposed to outlive him, she even joked about how she would buy a Mercedes right after the funeral.  (My father dislikes European Cars.) Now here I am, trying to figure out how to help my father see the value of what his future holds.  I know my future involves caring for my dad, being his shoulder to lean on, it's what my mom would want, and it's what I want.  My mom may be gone, but I'm still my mother's daughter.


Anonymous said...

Hello..It's me again ( i have commented before)..It has been almost 7 mo. since I lost my mother. I am 41 and my father is 81..he was 12 years older than my mother. I can identify with how hard it is to see your father grieve and he has chosen me out of me & my two brothers to open up to the most..all I can do is listen & cry with makes me feel helpless at times. He has been in the anger stage and that has been very difficult. I have found that for myself if I go too long without allowing myself to fully give into my grief(which can be difficult with a family to take care of, a job etc..) it comes out in other ways..not pretty/: As for the dreaming I have only had 2 dreams of my Mom & she would barely speak in them..only to say she was alright, my Dad says she never talks to him & his dreams & that seems to really bother him. I don't think you ever stop grieving the loss of someone that is so much a part of you, although you do get better at "coping" with it as time goes on..that raw pain seems to slowly dissipate. I hope that encourages you in some way. In some strange way it always helps me to know that there are others out there, such as yourself, that can identify with me..with the loss & sadness I am living through..and that is what we have to do live/work through this..I know it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Keep your chin up it does get better(: Deb

Qwendykay said...

Thank you Deb! It means so much when others share their experience. I'm doing better at "coping", but the whole thing is so hard.

Brooke said...

Still thinking of you a lot - I haven't lost a parent but judging from my mom's experience with losing a child, you always have moments of grief...forever...but the time in between lengthens and you have more and more happy times. You are a great daughter and a great friend...miss you!