Today you went back to school and our Ultimate Mega Super Summer Part Deux came to a close. I'm not ready for this. I am not ready for homework, after school activities, packing lunches, and having our schedules be rigid.
AK as you walked into your first grade class I thought about just how far you have come in your little lifetime. You have already shown the world that when the odds are not in your favor, you don't really care, you persevere and succeed anyway. It's something I have learned from you. And now for the first time, AK, you will go to school all day! All day... *sigh* I'm not ready for that either.
Mr. Boy, I cannot believe you are in 4th grade, where did the time go? You had a tough year last year when it came to school. This year you have a fresh start, a clean slate, and I am thrilled for the opportunities we have in life to "reset". You will thrive this year and already your attitude for school has changed. You woke up excited to go to school, something I haven't seen in a several months. You have no idea how much I have pleaded to the powers above, "Please let him have a great teacher."
If your attitude is going to change, Mr. Boy, then I guess mine should too. I don't like this one bit, I don't like that you will both be gone so much. I am not going to lie, I looked at both your teachers with envy and thought, "You are so lucky, you get to have them for most of the day." I don't like having you out there in the world without me. I feel like a mother hen, who just wants to gather her chicks under her wings and say, "Okay, we can go out in the world now, but stay under my wings where you are safe."
After I dropped both of you off, I stood on the playground and cried into Daddy's shoulder. I am going to miss you so much during the day. I cried because it had been less than four minutes and I already missed you both. I came home to the empty quiet house and cried some more. I missed the noise of hands sifting through the lego box, the sounds of barbies in peril, and the sound of your small bodies running through the house.
I couldn't take the quiet house so I met up with some friends for breakfast, where we laughed and cried. This "mom job" is harder than it looks, and it has all these weird twists and turns. When you were toddlers, I couldn't imagine I would be sad sending you off to school. Back in those days, I longed for a moment by myself. I wish I could go back and visit me as a toddler mom and say, "Oh my goodness, just wait, it gets so much easier, but it also gets so much harder. You won't feel anxiety just trying to wrangle your brood at the grocery store, but you can't solve their problems with a snack or a hug anymore... It's a tough trade off."
I think every year I say this, but these past few months have been my favorite. I love this age, I love spending time with both of you and I love being your mom.