Monday, May 24, 2010

My Glamourous Life

For Mother's Day, I went to a spa for what I assumed was a facial. I was pleasantly surprised when I was told that I had been booked for a "Special Event" which included a massage. I didn't hear much after that except for the word, "glamour."

After the facial and a massage, I was whisked off to hair and make up. Then I was told to wait for my "glamour session." At this point, my hair is poofed into a 'do' reminiscent of Dolly Parton and I'm wearing more make-up than I have worn in the last 10 years... combined. I'm still unsure why this is all being done, but I decide to go with the flow, I mean after all, I've been sent for some pampering... if it means I don't have to worry about brushing my hair for the rest of the day, even better.
I was then taken to a room that had been set up with a makeshift studio. There was a big rack of something resembling clothes covered in sequins, leather, and feathers. Then I spied the wind machine and I became terrified. Did they mean "Glamour Shots?'
I was immediately disrobed and wrapped in feathers, velvet, and leather. Meanwhile the photographer's assistant primps my hair, pops on fake jewels clothes, and suggests putting vaseline on my teeth to help my smile appear more natural. The photographer is enthusiastically giving me directions to help get into character. "You spot a handsome man at the bar... beckon him with your eyes... Oooo good... now look away.."

Inside I'm dying of laughter...because... seriously? This is not me... the fur... the feathers... the makeup...

Look, I love clothes, shoes, and looking nice. I'm not a big makeup or hair person, preferring more of a natural look. No one but my mother seem to think I'm an ogre without makeup. This is me on an average day.
And this is me after 90 minutes of hair & makeup along with an insane amount of photoshop.How horrifyingly awesome is that? FEATHERS!! Please promise me that if I die, this is NOT the picture that is blown up and placed next to my coffin. This is not how I want to be remembered, it doesn't even look like me, they photoshopped out my collarbones! I love these pictures for one solitary reason... they make me laugh hysterically.
*Other Glamour Shots will be posted in upcoming posts! I bet you can't wait!

14 comments:

Laura said...

Looks like they put vaseline not only on your teeth, but the lens too! Not as bad as you think.

Cimblog (tm) said...

WHORE!!!

You know, since I'm giving the eulogy at your funeral it also makes me, by default, the person to chose the poster size photo to go next to the casket.

And a second one for the graveside service.

And a third and fourth one to be presented to the children in loving memory....

...just sayin'

Jenny said...

ROFL!! I hope Ross is going to put that on a frame and put it in his office at work. I love when hubby's have the glam shots of their wives on their desks!
And we will definitely be up this summer for the zoo and a hike! Can't wait.

laura said...

omg that is hilarious!! you're right - it doesn't even look like you. i love it! HA HA HA!!! and yes - that is definitely both a photo-of-wife-on-desk and funeral photo. totally!!

oh yvonne said...

OMG Wendy you KILL me! LOL! I have those horrific things too...omg. LOL. Del Amo Fashion Center. Lots of gold, TONS of big, permed hair curled and teased out-to-there.

You looohk, mahvelous!
lol,
yvonne

Tammy said...

oh dear.

Katie said...

I must admit, if I were a guy I would feel very beckoned by your eyes!!!

wholarmor said...

Heehee! The glamour shot is Bee yoo tee ful! Definitely should go by your casket. What does your husband think?

I'm with you, not much of a makeup person(though I do put some on if I'm going somewhere). Hope the facial and massage was relaxing. I'm jealous!

Brooke said...

That...is...AWESOME. I am cracking up. Did Ross actually think that was up your alley??? He has been married to you for like 15 years now, right? Vaseline on the teeth...awesome.

Heidi said...

Um wow. I thought they stopped doing this to women in the early 90's.

Apparently not.

I could not have kept a straight face. I'm impressed!

Sherrie said...

ROTFLMA Love it!

Anonymous said...

It's truly lovely... Just lovely. And I can say with complete confidence that I never had a Glamour shot. Even then I knew that nothing good could come from feathers, hairspray, makeup, gold lame', and bad costume jewelry. Well, bad as in improving an otherwise beautiful person. But good in the way of fodder for later. ;-)

Mary said...

That backdrop is incredible. And the feathers!! So classy!!!! You look hot.

Lara said...

They still do these? I really thought they went the way of all the earth, as they should!

I'm hoping your husband had no idea what he was getting you into!