Beach Therapy

My mother passed away a little over four months ago and I can't figure out why it is still so hard. Why do I feel a sharp pain in my chest every time I stumble across her handwriting or a forgotten picture. Why is my grief still so raw after four months?

Last week I had to peel myself out of bed each day after a hearty pep talk with my inner self. I have to remind myself to laugh, find joy, and create fun each day.  This is not me and it's a not my normal mode of operation. I asked Mr.Man, "Is it post party blues?"  He said bluntly,"No, it's your grief, you can't stifle it with projects anymore." I didn't like that answer so I gave him the cold shoulder.

A chance encounter with an acquaintance, gave me a very candid, "the sooner you face this head on, the better off you'll be" pep talk. I was flabbergasted. How dare she say that to my face... but deep down, I wondered, is my grief really that obvious.

Then came my annual summer trip to Santa Barbara, I was being very wishy washy. Should I even go? I didn't want to put forth the effort....but why?

Then it hit me, Santa Barbara is filled with memories of mom. I can't do it.  It is too hard to go back there. Memories of my youth spent in that city are interwoven with memories of my mom.

I stayed wishy washy until the very last minute and then, I took a deep breath yelled to the kids, "Pack your bags!" And we left.

We hit my favorite beach that afternoon. While the kids played, I stuck my feet in the sand and did something I haven't done in a long time. I talked to God and to my grief and said, "This is so hard. I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to grieve or be sad anymore."

I'm stuck in the somewhere in the anger or depression phase of grieving.   I just can't do it anymore. I am so mad and sad at so many aspects of the last few months. And what has all that anger and sadness produced? Nothing, except for a killer reflex of trying to stifle it.

My mom firmly believed that sitting on the beach for a few hours was just like attending therapy sessions. I am not sure if that works for me, but I know I felt the oceans healing power. With my toes in the water I imagined all my anger dripping out my toes and into the ocean. I am trying to let it go. I was sad and angry my mom died too fast, too young, too soon. But there is nothing I can do, what is done is done. I am not in charge of this world and I have to live my life.  I have to accept the things I cannot control. So, I have to move on, and honor my mom by living my very best life.  A life filled with the vibrancy she bestowed upon me.

Plus I don't have time for all this sad moping, I've got to show the kids my favorite hangouts from my youth and teach them how to body surf.