My mother passed away a little over four months ago and I can't figure out why it is still so hard. Why do I feel a sharp pain in my chest every time I stumble across her handwriting or a forgotten picture. Why is my grief still so raw after four months?
Last week I had to peel myself out of bed each day after a hearty pep talk with my inner self. I have to remind myself to laugh, find joy, and create fun each day. This is not me and it's a not my normal mode of operation. I asked Mr.Man, "Is it post party blues?" He said bluntly,"No, it's your grief, you can't stifle it with projects anymore." I didn't like that answer so I gave him the cold shoulder.
A chance encounter with an acquaintance, gave me a very candid, "the sooner you face this head on, the better off you'll be" pep talk. I was flabbergasted. How dare she say that to my face... but deep down, I wondered, is my grief really that obvious.
Then came my annual summer trip to Santa Barbara, I was being very wishy washy. Should I even go? I didn't want to put forth the effort....but why?
I stayed wishy washy until the very last minute and then, I took a deep breath yelled to the kids, "Pack your bags!" And we left.
We hit my favorite beach that afternoon. While the kids played, I stuck my feet in the sand and did something I haven't done in a long time. I talked to God and to my grief and said, "This is so hard. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to grieve or be sad anymore."
My mom firmly believed that sitting on the beach for a few hours was just like attending therapy sessions. I am not sure if that works for me, but I know I felt the oceans healing power. With my toes in the water I imagined all my anger dripping out my toes and into the ocean. I am trying to let it go. I was sad and angry my mom died too fast, too young, too soon. But there is nothing I can do, what is done is done. I am not in charge of this world and I have to live my life. I have to accept the things I cannot control. So, I have to move on, and honor my mom by living my very best life. A life filled with the vibrancy she bestowed upon me.