A Post for October (Breast Cancer Awareness Month)

It's Breast Cancer Awareness month and there are pink ribbons everywhere. However, I don't need a pink ribbon to remind me of the toll Breast Cancer takes.  I am reminded of this everyday as my thoughts drift to my mom who died from breast cancer.   The reality is that after two years, I still miss my mom like crazy.  I miss her everyday and am still surprised how much her death has impacted my life.  I think of it like a stone dropped into a pond.  After the splash, there are still these ripples of water, that eventually become waves that lap the shoreline.  Those waves are still washing up on the shoreline in my life

My father is completely consumed in what he constantly refers to as his "new life" and doesn't want to be reminded that today was his wedding anniversary to my mom.   He lives almost 2,000 miles away and his interest in our lives has waned over the passing year. There are many times I feel orphaned, knowing he isn't someone I can call for comfort or advice.  As the holidays roll around, I feel that pang of grief knowing that I don't have to take my family into account when planning events.  It hurts, it makes me sad, and I miss my mom.

A few weeks ago my daughter was baptized and while I was trying to decide what to do for the lunch after the baptism, I actually reached for the phone to call my mom.  I haven't done that in a long time, but the instinct was there to ask for her opinion on this event.  I think I can best sum it up that is "lonely" without my mom, even though I'm surrounded by a great support group of friends.

This month to honor my mom for Breast Cancer Awareness month, I am doing a couple of things.  First off, I am getting a mammogram, my very first of what will be an annual event.   Second, each day I have sought out a random act of kindness to honor my mom who was kind.  Third, I have set a goal to drive my kids crazy... just a little bit less.  My mom drove me nuts sometimes, because that is what mothers do.  So, I'm obsessing a little bit less on whether their hair is combed before we leave the house, and getting the backpacks put away.   I'm trying to nag less, and compliment more often.  Encourage more than discourage.   And the last thing, instead of wallowing in my feelings of being without my parents, I'm going to embrace the holidays, because my mom loved Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I might even put on one of my mom's ugly Christmas sweaters and wear it with pride, because that is just the type of thing she would do.