Lessons learned from my father: Mortification

My dad. *sigh* I can’t even say the word dad these days without sighing.  It’s a reflux.  At some point, I need to write it all down, vent… share… laugh so that my future generations can be like, “SHUT UP, our great great grandfather made my great grandma drive his trash in the passenger seat of her car all the way home, because his trash day was still three days away.  That doesn’t make sense!  I know future posterity, I know. Save yourself a fortune in therapy and just don’t try to make sense of it all.

 My Dad went from grieving widow to single man on the prowl in about 60 seconds (or six weeks).  It threw me for a loop, a big one, I mean… a really, really big one.  Now, after some time, therapy, lots of tears and laughter, I get it.  I mean, I don’t like it, I don't approve, but I understand to a degree.  In his engineer brain, he is like, “Problem:  No spouse and excess loneliness.  Solution: Find new Spouse on Internet.  If you don’t at first succeed, try try again. “ 

And as for “Try Try Again” my Dad is trying really hard to get married, the problem is he is good looking, financially stable, and has all his hair.  In other words, the more mature crowd finds my dad to be a catch.  The craziest of the ladies seem to be the most aggressive and eager to get the golden ring.   It’s a roller coaster and every lady seems to have a need of some sort.  For example: A green card, money to pay off a mountain of debt, a place to live. 

Unfortunately, his marriage obsession has made our relationship a little bit rocky.  I didn’t expect he would be ready to get his dance card punched six weeks after my mom’s passing.  We are working on this, but essentially my dad keeps referring to my “mental state!”.  “I’m very concerned about your mental state!”  “What does Mr. Man think of your mental state!?”  “You are in a mental state! I have never heard you so upset.”

Whew.. all this is leading up to something, but wow, I just had to let that all out.  Now for the lesson I learned from my dad. 

 My dad was obsessed with Dr. Laura, and when her radio show went off the air, he was devastated.  Thanks to Oprah and daytime television, now my dad has found a new replacement for his devotion in the form of Dr. Oz.  Now Dr. Oz, is nice and all, but his ratings are in the tank, which means his topics are meant to sensationalize and draw in the mostly female TV audience.  Dr. Oz is always talking about Women’s health, couple that with my mental state! And it results in my dad obsessing about my health. 

The other day, my brother, dad, and I were sitting in an attorney’s office discussing my mother’s estate. This is not an attorney that knows our family beyond a few phone calls.  Mr. Attorney turned to type up some notes in his computer, and there is silence.

My dad turns to me and says, “Wendy, who is monitoring your health?  Is it your OB/GYN? Does he monitor your health monthly, annually? And is he aware of your mental state?  You aren’t taking any of those synthetic hormones, are you?  Dr. Oz says those will make you crazy.” 

At this point, I turned beet red and wonder if Dr. Oz ever did a show about people who actually died of embarrassment.  The attorney graciously ignores my dad’s outburst of concern for my health and carries on.  Since when has my dad been so concerned with woman’s health, especially my health?  It’s something we haven’t ever discussed.  This is the moment I learn you are never too old to be humiliated by your parents.

Madamoiselle, it's the school....

On Friday, while in the homestretch of prepping for my Ya Ya Retreat... I get a phone call from the school. "Madamoiselle, it's the school. It's regarding Mr. Boy. He swallowed a rock." *sigh* The joys of motherhood. The rest of the afternoon was spent trying to assess the situation with the doc. It took a lot of detective work to figure out the size and shape of the ingested Rock. The rock was STOLEN from his teacher's desk, so there was some trepidation in admitting the truth. Then trying to figure out if the wheezing was a trapped rock or an asthmatic episode.

This morning, when we went to school and were able to see where he got the rock, I grabbed another one to put in his scrapbook as his "First ingested object". Hopefully, it will be his last. We were relieved to find the size was about half of what we had thought. Phew. I have enjoyed hearing from nurses, friends, and family all the stories of "This one time my (kid, brother, sister, cousin) swallowed a ______." The stories have made me laugh. Let the record show, that this story and all of it's embarrassing details that I won't post here, will be used for blackmail or humiliation purposes when Mr. Boy is older.

Sometimes, it's knowing that "One day I will look back and laugh hysterically at this...." is the only thing that gets you through those sticky motherhood moments.

The Fourth of July

The week started out fabulous... Mr. Man took a good portion of the week off.... we BBQ'd, played Rock Band, played outside, played Rock Band, Swam, played Rock Band, had water fights, and stayed up way to late playing Rock Band. Did I mention that we played Rock Band?

So here we are on the morning of the Fourth of July. We were on our way to the pancake breakfast. All is well, except for the matching bandaids covering a skinned knee on each child. No big deal, a band aid makes it all better. Mr. Boy got a new fancy watergun for the water fight that takes place every year after breakfast. We hung out and swam at a friends house, and at some point Mr. Boy was complaining his eye hurt. By that evening his cheek was swollen and very red. The next morning he woke up with that nice large red mark. It's really odd, and we are currently taking bets on what happened? Oh, and the elbow happened on Sunday night while on a walk around the neighborhood. He slipped while splashing in the gutter and scraped his elbow and bruised a few ribs. I meanwhile had a heart attack as I watched my beloved first born splash and then fall face first into the hazardous waste filled gutter. I took him home and scrubbed down in our portable HazMat station. That has just been the BEST investment for our family! On Saturday evening I took the kids to the park (mainly because I wanted to finish reading my book!) and the kids played. I looked up to see the kids happily playing and to watch AK fall HARD right into the playground equipment. I did not faint, which is a small miracle considering the amount of blood. She did quite a number on her lip and believe it or not, that is her smiling for the camera. Poor girl!! She's on a soft foods diet as she knocked a few teeth loose and a steady stream of Otter Pops to reduce the swelling. Considering she only eats applesauce, yogurt, popsicles, and bananas, this new diet doesn't seem to be different than any other day.
Our goal for the week... stay out of the ER. It's a lofty one, but I picked up a few of these handy bubbles for the kids on eBay, so that should help.