Torturing my children...

For someone who is the WORST mom ever, let me show you some torture I've subjected the children to in the last two weeks. Starting with AK.... Then there is Mr. Boy...

I let him put his arms in the fountain and splash... no surprise he reached too far and fell in. I just laughed heartily, causing a few people to stare. Life is to short to be scolded over getting wet....

We've had many days where I have subjected them to so much torture they fell asleep on the way home.

Yep, definitely worst mom ever.

First Day of Summer Cap

Normally, I feel like I'm herding cats trying to get out the door. Some people have blissful dreams of handsome men or fabulous vacations while they sleep, I have blissful dreams that we walk out of a tidy house without a last minute mess being made, 3000 carseat straps to buckle, and I carry nothing more than a dainty handbag.

Today, is the first day of summer day camp. I said, "Au Revoir, let's go!" I had hoped to get a picture before we left, but these guys were GONE! I mean GONE!! In the car, buckled, and they carried their own stuff. Let's just pause for a moment to give thanks for the miracle that took place. I left the house carrying JUST my briefcase. I didn't have to threaten anyone, clean up a mess, or drag a defiant child out to the car. These kids were crazy excited to go to day camp.
This girl was ridiculously excited, to the point where she it's obvious that she is just trying to appease me. When I said goodbye to her, she practically pushed me away. Every morning, when we drop Mr. Boy at school, AK would run into the Red Room and join their circle time. She would run in, sit down and try to blend in. She would hope that no one would notice and we'd accidentally leave her there. Thank goodness for summer camp now, she can go to school too!!

When I picked these guys up today, AK was so upset to see me. She went into full on "I'm still 2 and can throw a tantrum like NO ONE ELSE on the planet." She used her best tantrum tactics... first she applied
- The runaway and hide in the most awkward spot on the planet for mom to pull me out of.
- Then kick and scream and grab onto the door with a deathgrip with the strength of 10 elephants
-Last but not least after I pried her fingers off the door, she did my personal favorite.... the crocodile deathroll.

Bottom line: I feel zero guilt having them go to summer camp.

It's been declared... I'm the worst mom EVER!

Tonight's bedtime was less than smooth... see below.Boy: I want to color in my bed...

Moi: No sweetie, we don't color in our bed, I'll leave the crayons out for you in the morning...

Boy: *wailing... the tired "I've been staying up way too late... waking up early... and having really active busy fun filled days...swimming, playing at the beach, feeding ducks, going to Disneyland" wail

Moi: You'll feel better after some sleep, here's a book to read

Boy: You're the WORST MOM EVEEEEEER. You're mean, you're the WORST!!!

Moi: I'm sorry you feel that way

Boy: I was going to color you a beautiful rainbow dinosaur picture. It was going to be a blue Tyrannosaurus Rex, because blue is your favorite, with a Rainbow. Rainbows are hard to draw, but I was going to do it

Moi: Ooo that sounds pretty, you can draw it tomorrow.

Boy: *unintelligible words muffled by sobs*

Moi: Good Night

Boy: *screaming at the top of his lungs* YOU'RE THE WORST MOM EVEEEEEEEEEEER!

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Five years ago, Mr. Man and I were at serious odds over something called "Replay", essentially a first generation Tivo. He was hogging it, and shows for both of us were randomly being deleted by the other person. It was a constant source of friction. One day, we had a brilliant idea to get His and Her Tivo's. BEST. THING. EVER. Our marriage quickly went from being constant bickering to bliss.

Flash forward a year, I'm sitting in church during Sunday School, the teacher says, "Who knows the secret to a happy marriage?" I turned to my neighbor and went... "Oh my gosh, I actually know the answer to this!" I raised my hand and was so excited to share my answer of "His and Her Tivo's". Although, it wasn't quite the answer the teacher was looking for, I SWEAR I saw a bunch of lightbulbs go off over people's heads.

Relating to this, there has been an annoyance in my life since the day I met and married Mr. Man. The guy has about 10,000 remotes cluttering up the family room. I gave him a fancy Universal Remote once that cost as much as 4 Tivo's and it was so complicated, only the folks at NASA know how to use it. Then the heavens opened up and dropped on our doorstep was this lovely Logitech Harmony Universal Remote. It is PURE GENIUS. It was sent to me by the folks at BzzzAgent. I was skeptical, because we have an insane amount of electronics, however it was so easy to use... that *I* set it up. It replaces 7 remotes! Brilliant!

Even better, it alleviates the scare of "what if a remote goes missing?" Such as the AppleTV remote that is the size of a pack of a gum, and went missing for 3 days and was found in the dungeon of Mr. Boys castle. Or the "what if the dog eats the remote?" which happened when Sandy was a puppy, and ate a remote that was on backorder and cost a small fortune to replace. We had to get off the couch for 8 months to change the channel until the replacement arrived. Hooray for fabulous Unversal Remotes! Hooray for marital bliss!

This is the kind of dad he is....

He is incredibly goofy and totally puts the kids first in every way in his life. Things have been tough, as we wrestle with some pretty big decisions and I simply do not give him enough credit for the kind of dad he is. For example, last week we went to California Adventure for the first time. He and I were going to meet up while I took the kids on a ride. I get a text message... "Come to the aladdin corner, NOW". We arrive at the Aladdin corner to find Mr. Man holding Cinderella hostage, because he knew this would be the highlight of AK's year. AK loves Cinderella more than anyone else on the planet. AK could not believe she was actually touching Cinderella's hand. She said, "You're Real?"
She said, "Yes, of course." and they hugged like they were lifelong friends.

Last Day of School!! Last Day of School!! Last Day of School!!

Mr. Man and I did a funky dance while screaming, "Last Day of School" in the kitchen this morning to Mr. Boy's mild amusement. Mostly he just rolled his eyes. He finally is on the mend, and the doc gave him the all clear to go to school today. He put together a special outfit. At first I was a little worried, because it appears he's going to be spending the day working in Aunt Jemima's kitchen instead of school. However, once I asked him about his look, I realized with pride that it was inspired by my first true love, Bret Michaels, "Rock of Love" Star and lead singer of the worlds awesomest hair band, Poison.

I had pictures of him in my wallet from the age of 13, and I imagined we'd have this crazy awesome house overlooking the city with a huge pool in the shape of a guitar together. Me + Bret = True Love. He'd strum his guitar while I unpacked the take-out and put it on plates that we had designed for us for our wedding. White bone China with a ring of Roses and thorns......*sigh* (notice how even at 13, I didn't have high expectations of my domesticity) So, where was I? Oh Mr. Boy! Ok.. so it wasn't really inspired by Bret Michaels, but is really from this day, where I said... "Hey, let's pretend we are like the Rock Stars on Guitar Hero, and clean the house!?" So we popped scarves on our head, blasted music and everyone cleaned. They loved it! So here is the look Mr. Boy wore to school for his last day... Notice it's not even 9 am, and the Irish kid is already pounding down a kiddie sized Heinekin.
Then he did this...

Then it's time for the customary last day of school pic in front of the sign.And I noticed that I failed to post the first day of school pic, because of that whole "In the hospital, having stupid surgery" experience. However, Mr. Man followed my instructions to take the pic. Notice the white cars, I wasn't even kidding...

Sick Day

There is "not feeling well" and then there is sick. With kids, there are runny noses or days where they are extra tired and cranky. Then there is SICK. Poor Mr. Boy is breaking my heart. This is one sick puppy... He's been lethargic, needing tons of extra snuggles, and is HOT. The kid has had an abnormally high fever for three days that Tylenol or Motrin won't help. Doc ran some tests this morning, but we were sent home with instructions... lots of lukewarm baths and cuddles, sip ginger ale, and watch lots of movies. Sounds good to me!

Enter Exhibit A

I often have a dream where I'm in court and on the witness stand being questioned about my lack of parenting skills by a vicious attorney. My grown children sit at the Plantiffs table... and the lawyer brings over pictures that I took and says, "Oh really? You never tried to sabotage your children's attempts to socially fit in... may I enter into Evidence Exhibit A" The coutroom gasps as the pictures are revealed and I wake up in a cold sweat.

This is one of those incriminating series of pictures. The preschool has a Bike-a-thon fundraiser every year. Last year, Mr. Boy didn't participate, and I have NOT heard the end of it. So this year, we buy a helmet and ask the neighbors for pledges, and away we go. I let Mr. Boy decorate his trike because I thought other people would too... they didn't. I also thought most 4 year olds ride trikes.... they don't. Even though I haven't seen Mr. Boy ride his trike in a year or so.. I thought it was still plenty big for him... it's not.Also.. there was only one other trike there. It belonged to the youngest child in school, half Mr. Boys age. I knew the moment I pulled into the parking lot watching the parents unload big kid bikes from the back of their White SUVs ... Uh oh.. Exhibit A here we come. (sidenote: 90% of the parents at the preschool drive white SUV's... I'm actually know as the mom who "drives the non white SUV". )

The whistle is blown and the kids take off and Mr. Boy's ginormous legs are pedaling as fast as he possibly can, hitting the handlebars every time. Kids are whizzing by... they have done 3 or 4 laps by the time he has completed one. By lap 3, Mr. Boy is sweating profusely and I'm nervously fumbling for his inhaler and wondering if the school has a spare oxygen tank handy.... He is working so hard, and I'm ridiculously proud of him. He is unphased by the other children whizzing by. Even better, all the parents know him and are cheering for him. (one of the perks of having a child who tends to be in the center of mischeif, the parents hear all about my child's mischevious acts commited each day by their fascinated, yet well behaved, children) The coach is on the megaphone cheering for him.... and all Mr. Boy sees is a hundred faces all cheering him on. He successfully completed eight laps, and was stoked to earn a medal and a green popsicle. On the way home, as he rubs his bruised knees, he says, "I think it's time for a big bike. I just keep forgetting how big I am."

Mr. Boy, please forgive your parents who are just doing this all for the first time... we have no idea what we are doing, and the 3000 parenting books we have didn't mention that by the age of 4 you should have a bike with training wheels to participate in preschool bike-a-thons.

Doubt..

It was the precise moment these pictures were taken, that my head became filled with doubt about our plans...
Do I really want to give this up? The ability to go to the beach for just 30 minutes... Would I be giving this up? Can we do that where our new house will be? Are we going to live close to the beach? Just how close... Will my kids still be able to learn to surf? Sail?What if we end up in the Valley? Will AK have a "Like totally Rad Omigosh" Accent? Is the timing right? Is it a good decision? Will the schools be okay? Are the kids going to have good friends? Will I make more friends? What is our life going to be like a year from now? Ugh.. now where is that crystal ball when you need it!